It is the first time the tears fell for him. Never did it cross my mind that we would end up this way. I am not heart-broken seriously I am not. And I am not jealous either. But I just do not know why I was so mad when I heard about it. So I guess those were angry tears. I tried my best to control and acted strong on the outside. But my inside was rippling apart with pain? I am tired of all of these, having to pretend that I don’t really care, having to pretend that everything is okay when actually nothing is.

Right now I just simply wished that nothing had happened before and of course, the truth doesn’t exist. I know this is a selfish thought of mine but can’t things just work my way for this once? Can I not be tolerant for just once? Why must I always be the one to say, “It’s okay”? I am just tired of everything.

I used to trust him with everything. All the things he said and the promises he made. But only now I realized that were all just plainly lies. He asked if I had taken all those sweet stuffs for real. Seriously, I have not. He apologized and asked me why I am angry with him. I just can’t make up a reason. I just do not know why. He kept on saying he would tell me if only I had asked him. Which is completely rubbish. I can’t possibly inquire him of this every single day! This feeling just sucks, a lot. Having to know it this way is not the best thing in the world either.

I entirely lost my trust in him. I can’t distinguish between the lies anymore. And I am tired of having to guess about everything too. So I guess this is the end of ‘us’. I know both of us are reluctant to end things this way but I guess that is the only way for now. I am tired of having to listen to him, having to wait for his replies, which just makes me hate him more. I am just tired of everything and wished nothing had happened before. I never hate anyone so deep before. Thanks for being the first one.

曾经的幸福

曾经是你，

让我觉得我不再是一个人，

习惯了在每个晚上听到你的声音，

会把电话放在枕头旁边，

轻轻的震动，

会第一时间意识到那是你，

期待你对我说今天所发生的事情，

期待你在挂断后的那一声晚安

原来我也可以像一般女孩一样，

拥有每天晚上跟电话里的人说晚安的权利

也因为你，

让我习惯了一个人，

不再把电话放在枕头边，

不会再把电话调到震动，

因为已经渐渐的习惯那不会在震动的电话

曾经因为你，

让我觉得自己是幸福的，

手被轻轻牵起的那时候，

可以清楚感受到你手心的温度

那一刻，我知道---我是幸福的

也因为你，

让我觉得自己其实很孤单

放开后的手，温度还残留着，

只是那温度不再属于我们的

曾经跟你借的幸福，

是时候还给你了

Merry belated Christmas!!! Sorry for the lake of updates. But anyway, since I am here now~ ^^

I had decided to delete some of my posts maybe this year. No particular reasons for that, just feel like ‘cleaning up’ stuffs. And don’t worry, I will ‘clean up’ my Facebook friend requests too. And by the way, I think Brunei is banning Facebook for real! We know the reason why and my brother is sure that they (as in the relevant authorities)wouldn’t do that because they do not have a reason to do so. But my dad says China banned Facebook without a particular reason too!!! =’( So if Facebook is banned, I am considering Twitter and the other what-do-you-call-it? Oh yeah, MySpace. But let just hope for the best.

About Christmas, I had mine really simple and relaxing this year. Which is really unusual because usually my family had it big during Christmas. But we decided to go for a simple one this year which is okay for me. Let me share how I had it over the years… (Some details are left out due to personal reasons.)

For all the years as I remembered it, we had nothing really much special during Christmas Eves. Sometimes maybe went to a friend’s house or two for a Christmas gathering and of course, turkey! Then we will hang up our Christmas-decorated socks (which can’t be worn) at the end of our bed or on the door for the Santa. (Although we had known that he doesn’t really exist, but that is where my parents left our presents.) The next morning once we woke up, we will reached for the socks and it is always filled right up to the top. Then we will change into something new and go to the church together.

Back in 2007, that is when our little ‘tradition’ was broken. I was on the plane back to Brunei from KL early on Christmas morning. Me and a few of my friends shopped till deep midnight of Christmas Eve. Actually we decided not to sleep and go straight to the airport at around 4 in the morning. But I do not know why we all ended up on our beds at 2 in the morning. But anyway, I had a real ‘unforgettable’ Christmas Eve that year and every Christmas now, I will think of this guy and the stuffs that he said. More later on.

In 2008, nothing much special happened that year. I think I went to a friend’s house for count down or something. I can’t really remember much.

In 2009, once again I did not had my Christmas on Brunei. I was somewhere in a land where no one knows – Mukah. But that was a really fun Christmas too. And once again I stayed up late with my friends singing off-tune Christmas carols (almost the entire hotel was booked by us and we have a few halls to ourselves.) and pretending to get married to one another. Of course we did all these without knowing we were being recorded. And when we were back, HAHA. It was up on Facebook. Then we exchanged presents with one another. I got a really special present from ‘someone’ special. That is to mark our first Christmas together as a ‘married couple’. I got something from my dearest elder sister too. To think back about it now, I really had fun and those times was cherished as everyone is heading their own ways now.

In 2010, that is this year, I was not in Brunei (again) for Christmas. Someone promised to accompany me for Christmas this year but flunked during Christmas Eve. But luckily I still have my other cousin who is back from UK. We didn’t do anything stupid this year. Just sat around and talked about stuffs, Then on Christmas Day I went for lunch with two of my another cousins. I didn’t receive any presents this year but I was still quite contented. Which I can’t understand why.

Back to the guy in 2007, I did something which is quite daring of me this year. Let me say more about him first. We hadn’t been talking since that ‘faithful’ evening of 24^th Dec. 2007. So this year, I wrote him a tiny note with the words ‘三年了，圣诞快乐’. I do not know where I took up the courage to, but I still did it. I just want him to know that I had long forgiven him and hope he can too, forget about that evening and let everything return back to the night before.

So yeah, that is how I had my Christmas! School is starting soon. I once hope the day would come quickly, but now I feel like dreading going back to school. *Sigh* Books and nerds. Ready to face it? I am not…

原谅我没有她漂亮，没有她聪明，没想她那么有本事，没有想她那么了解你，没有她好，整天却只会给你添麻烦，从来也不听你的话。但你们男生不都是这样？看女生也只会看她条件，看她外表，从来不试着去了解她。原谅这是我能给的。。。

你常常说，我什么都不懂，说我不够了解你。我想也是吧。每一次都是我在说，你在听。有的时候觉得自己比任何人都了解你，有的时候却觉得你路人还陌生。因为环境而改变了自己，变成了一个陌生人。有的时候我真得很怕你。因为你比我还要了解我自己。我还以为，我不一样。但没想到对你来说，都是一样的。我不想变成第二个她。原谅我的任性，我小气，不能接受这样的你。原谅这是我能给的。。。

试着把自己灌醉，把一切都忘了，催眠自己什么都没有发生过，消耗完拿起电话的力气。我似乎做到了。但脑海里的记忆却不停地还在回荡着。第一次不想看到，不想听到任何和你有关的事情。都那么久了，怎么还没试着释放呢？我现在想要的，就是把自己累坏，不再去想.

Okay, I will do this slowly one by one in periodical order. That way, I won’t get mix-up! *Note: I will only talk about the interesting part of the trip and as much as I can remember.

13^th of November 2010 (Saturday) - Arrival

Our flight was scheduled for 3 something in the afternoon. So after sending my grandparents off, (They stayed overnight at my house along with my aunty uncle and Alexander. A friend of my cousin) my mum and we started packing. It was really hectic and funny the way we packed as we did not packed earlier on. We just placed whatever we thought we might need into the bags. As we have to arrived at the airport at about 1 to 2, we just had a quick lunch and go. The airport is slightly different from the last time I went. Maybe we were in different place and maybe because I went with different people. When we had our boarding passes, our places are not together. 3 places are together and 2 are different. So I and my brother ‘volunteered’ to sit together. This way, we can talk about our plans. ^^ Anyway, so we arrived at the LCCT of Kuala Lumpur at 5 something and our next flight to Penang is about 4 hours away. So we had our first shopping around the airport. Nothing much to buy since it will be quite tiresome to carry the stuffs we bought to Penang, back to KL and finally back to Brunei. So we just bought some tit-bits to eat on the way. We had our dinner at Marry Brown and it is fantastic! Maybe I was too hungry then but still it is nice. =P And yeah, when we are sitting there and eating, I got a place with the back against the wall and I can see the people coming for dinner. There this man, who brought his son along, maybe just back from a tennis game as they were both holding a racquet, sitting opposite me. He took up a paper and started reading while the son went to the counter and order food. The newspaper’s headlines caught my eyes and since I had finished eating, so I try to look at the paper. Suddenly, the man looked up and caught me staring. I quickly looked down at my plate and pretend to drink my water. Maybe the man thought I was staring at him or what so ever, but he keeps looking my way after that! It was so damn embarrassing and I dare not to look up at him anymore. I was more than relieved when my parents finally decided to go. Phew! Then we took our plane to Penang! We arrived there at 11 plus and took a taxi to our hotel. At the airport a few people looked my way and a man even asked me if I am a star or whatever. Maybe because I was wearing black and had a sunshade on my head from just now which I had forgotten to put it down. I realized it and quickly placed it in my bag before the next person come asking me the same question. So we went to our airport in a Merc (All the airport taxis are white Merc) and arrived only at about 12 in the morning. We distribute the rooms between ourselves and my brother gets to sleep with my dad while I sleep with my mum and my sister. We had a quick bath and went to sleep at around 1 in the morning.

14^th of November 2010 (Sunday) – 1^st day in Penang

I so damn love the date today. =( So we had our breakfast at the restaurant in our hotel because apparently, we haven’t got time to explore the outside world yet. So after breakfast, a friend of my dad comes pick us up and we went to the church there. It was quite different from the church I went to back in Brunei. So me and my brother was 0.o-ing throughout the service. But I guess that is what make me awake because form the lack of sleep, I expect myself to sleep through it but amazingly, I made it! We had a short tour around the church and we went for our lunch! We had lunch at this amazing porridge place and it was just next to our hotel! It’s call the Taiwanese Porridge place because it serves 3 different types of porridge and different things to go with it. I really like the place’s wok because it’s like those ancient type which uses charcoal. It is a really nice place with a sea view and the price is amazing too! It’s less than RM20 if I am not wrong…

After lunch, we went to the butterfly park! It was a really really nice place and I am not kidding. At first my brother was reluctant to go but I think he didn’t regret he did. It was like once you are in the park, only at the parking lot you can see butterflies flying around. And after you went inside the real thing, it was more amazing! It does not contain only butterflies but also have different types of bugs and weird weird insects. == The most unique I can remember are the ‘man-faced’ beetle and I forgot the name but it is luminescence. (You can only see it in infra-red light. It will turn blue in color.)

After that, we went back to the hotel for a rest. My brother then suggested a game of tennis and we rent the racquets. We paid RM20 for an hour but we wasted it. The tennis court was at the balcony of the hotel and it was open-air. And that means, if you were driving along that path, if you looked up and you would have seen two idiots standing there looking up at the ferocious sun. And yes, one of them is me. I got tired even before we finished a set, partly because of the hot sun (it is still bright there even though it was already almost 6) so I decided to go to the gym which is just beside the tennis court. The gym you can go in for free and it was free at that time. So I can be as stupid as I wanted too since only my brother was there. I worked myself out and guess what? I only burnt 20 calories. So fail man! That night we went to this Hong-Kong style restaurant in a mall for our dinner and only get to shop for awhile after that. After that, we went for a walk around the night-market (or better known as 夜市) This one sells only food and we had a quick look around.

15^th of November 2010 (Monday) – 2^nd day at Penang

Today my family woke up really late and I was up even before 7. I took a bath and went out to the balcony to look at the morning sight of Penang. I was alone so I can think really freely. These are some stuff which I thought of at that time.

As I look at the waves, crushing themselves on the shore, I can’t help but to think that is life. There are ups and downs of it and what we are chasing after and is lack of is time. Sometimes in life we may face hardships. Different people have their own different ways of solving their problems. Some may need longer time but that doesn’t matter. Because as soon as it’s over, you will find that you had learnt a lesson.

Okay…That was some really random thoughts of mine. ^^Nothing much special happened in the morning. We were just driving around and visiting around the Penang Island. And in the afternoon, we took a ferry to the other side (The Malay Peninsula part) and drove around and came back to the island again using the Penang Bridge. The ferry ride was great as I stand on the end of the ferry looking ahead. The ferry was really fast unlike the one we used to have in Miri. (The one in Kuala Baram.) But I didn’t get to see the scenes on the bridge as I was fast asleep on the car! But anyway, I still went there before~ Not mentally but still physically…

When we went back to the Penang Island, it’s already evening time and time for dinner! The dinner was damn awesomely really nice! We went to this steamboat eating place and boy was the place huge! As we went there, it started raining. So we have to go to the more inner part of the restaurant. At first I didn’t have much appetite from the long drive we just had. But my mum insisted I take a look at the choices of food so I went. And as I took up a plate, my appetite gradually increased! The choices of food were just so damn awesome! For types of fishes only, they have more than 20 different choices. They really do have ’many fishes in the sea’… I saw one is ‘shark’s meat’ and I tried it. But trust me, never do this at home. It taste just okay but still, there are ’many fishes in the sea’ so I suggest you try the others! But anyway, as I continue looking on at the choices of food, my mouth starts watering! 30 plus choices of balls (meatballs, fish balls, squid balls and yeah, you got me.), different types of meat in different types of sauce (they even have lamb marinated in different ways), squid, ‘sotongs’, jellyfish, four different types of clams (I can’t differentiate them anyway. I just ate them.), 14 or 15 different types of ‘sate’ which you can’t find in Brunei, 5 different types of puddings and jellies, 5 flavors of ice-cream with lots of sauce and toppings to go with it, and they have ‘char kue tiao’ and ‘mee goreng’ too. You can’t just tell the man there to cook for you and don’t worry. No extra charges. But the best part is, it has a free-flow of shark fins soup! And yes, it’s FREE-FLOW. A waiter will go to every table and ask if you want any. I was too busy eating and only realized how much I had eaten when I am full. But I couldn’t bear the food go waste so I ate some more until my stomach is begging me to stop. I drank 4 or 5 bowls of shark fins soup and ate 20 plus (or 30? I forgot) clams. And of course, a few dozens of balls and other stuffs. When I am really full, my mum told me they have ‘kue ling gao’ and I ate 4 or 5 bowls again. I was full until I can’t even eat any ice-cream. But I still went for 1 small cup. ^^ So we were sitting there talking and waiting for the food to digest. But I went for the don’t-know-how-many round again. My parents and their friends finally decided to leave and only then I stopped eating. Gosh, I can’t imagine how much weight I had gained that night! And guess what? The price is soooo asdfghjk!!! Cheap dao!!! Sure you can’t find anything like that in Brunei!

After that, we went to the夜市 again but this is a different one. It sells mainly souvenirs, bags and clothes. I bought some stuffs there, not much. We just walked around while my family bought souvenirs. And we ended up at this Thai seafood restaurant. No worries, we don’t eat anything. We just visited it because it has a really special structure and looked at the sea stuffs which is alive and will be eaten. After that, we went back to the hotel and started packing as we were leaving the next day.

16^th of November 2010 (Monday) – Last day at Penang and heading down to KL

We got up early in the morning, (not really early) and get ready to go to the airport. Our flight was scheduled for 11 something so we have to check-in at around 9. And that means we have to leave our hotel latest at 8. And without breakfast. =( So throughout the journey to the airport, I looked out at the window. Grasping as many scenes as I can before I leave that amazing place. Penang was really a nice place to go to and has really nice beaches. So we went through the normal stuffs and once again I am on the plane. On the plane, I saw this really pretty stewardess. She something like a mix-blood and she is so damn freaking tall! She has really nice brown-blond hair and a cute smile. I can’t stop looking at her. She is like the prettiest girl I met throughout this journey.

This is all about my Penang trip! KL trip and photos coming up! *Can't iamgine how much time I took to type out this post. Was sitting there thinking back to what I had done ==*

I do not know why I even bother placing that song in my playlist but yeah, here’s the story.

Let’s just call him KH. For those of you who already knew, you will know who he is. For those of you who don’t, don’t even bother finding it out. It was really private and plus, it’s history.

He was everything I need and am looking for. At least that was what I thought back then. Our story is like a fairytale without a happy ending or like what Jane said, really dramatic. I first meet him back in 2007. That time, he was involved with a quarrel with one of my really good friend. I was standing beside my friend and I saw how scolded and nearly got into a fight with my friend. He was like the ‘big brother’ of his friends and since then, I really hated him. So the next year when we meet again, I was really disappointed because we were in the same group. (We were involved in an overseas activity.) I don’t really care about him at first and in fact, I still hated him when we reached our destination. That is because I overheard his friends teasing him about this girl and he said something which makes me hate him more. He said “Lol, now I think of her more than my family.” The first thing that came into my mind about him is how play he was. We didn’t really talk for the first and second day. And it all started during the second day…

We finally talked for the first time during the second day. He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him, asking him for his too. After that, we had a pillow fight. I think he is allergic or what so ever but he started sneezing. He looked really sick so I decided to message him and asked if he was okay. And it all started out like this.

I can still remember clearly the time his fingers slipped in to mine. We were sitting together and suddenly it all happened. It was unlike many first-timers, who got a slip or caught two fingers in a gap. We were just perfect. Or maybe just him. I was really shocked since it was my first time too. I looked at him in astonishment and he just smiled. I lost the courage to pull away and I guess that symbolizes I am his from then onwards.

Being his, it doesn’t stay long. ‘We’ only lasted of 2 months and 4 days but the memories are enough to torture me for about two years. In the beginning, to be honest I don’t really wanted to be his. All I was thinking back then was ‘It will be over once we got back.’ But the reality doesn’t seem to agree with me. He will tell me almost every day that he loves me and I will just smiled back in return. But slowly, I found myself gradually attracted to him. He, unlike other guys whom I met at that time, didn’t compliment me the first time he saw me by saying ‘You are beautiful’. He didn’t care how I dress, what I did with my hair and only compliment me the moment I thought I was the ugliest almost 3 weeks after we were together by saying “You know what? You are really pretty.” I don’t know what to say so I just smiled, again. Then I realized, being with him, I can be the real me. Without any masks and I know for sure he loves me for who I am.

Although he was known for his violence and strictly ‘no girls’ rule, he never scolded me even I am the one who is wrong. I was always the one being ‘small gas’ and he will be the one who ended up ‘sayang-ing’ me. And only after being with him, I found out that even though he may look really strong and doesn’t bother on the outside, the real him is really soft and cares a lot, especially about me. We got into a small fight (actually that was not even a fight, I was just being really stuck-up and doesn’t want to bother him) and he actually cried because I was ignoring him. He apologized, even though he didn’t did anything wrong. I was really touched and made up my mind never to hurt him again. The second time we fought was really serious and we didn’t talk for 2 days. I really cried that time and wouldn’t reply any of his messages. I could tell he was really tired and I thought then that was it. But he surprises me. He asked others for help and came into the room asking me what is wrong. Or rather what he did wrong. I ignored him and I remembered watching the Olympics Game that time. == He said lots of stuffs which I had forgot. All I know was I cried after hearing what he said. He came over and hugged me and I cried in his arms. I was too weak to push him away. He waited until I had calmed down and asked me why I cried. I said I do not want to break up with him and he laughed and said he never will. A good-night kiss every night promises that.

But when we were back here, he totally ignored me in front of his friends. Sometimes he would walk away with his friends pretending not to see me but will turn back afterwards when his friends are not noticing and talked with me. I asked what the matter was and he said because he doesn’t want anyone to know that we are together. This goes on for another half a month and totally not a single person notices that we were an item. Not until the end.

To my friends, I was always the one who is always smiling and telling them not to get upset over a guy. But just a few weeks after the end, I did. I was with my friends when we saw him. I told my friends that I want to walk past him (he was sitting) and to tell him that 没有他，我也可以过得很好. Trust me, that was the most stupid decision I had ever made. I walked past him, he looked up at me and I walked on pretending that I didn’t saw him. My insides were turned completely upside down the moment I walked past him. I keep convincing myself that I did a great job and I can’t cry. At least not then. But Shien Chung said something like “Why do you have to care?! Like me maa! See! I don’t even bother!” I couldn’t press the tears in anymore. I rushed to the toilet waiting for the tears to drop. But it didn’t. Not until Chea Ying them came into the toilet and closed the doors. I was really thankful then I had such good friends. I just cried everything out, washed my face and went back for lessons. From then on, I promised myself, he is history.

After a few sleepless nights and few more times of crying in the night, I finally let go. It took only months for me to forgive the mistakes he had done but years to forget about them. But I am really glad that we are still friends. Or should I say, special friends? He really understands me; He knows what I want even before I said anything. Whenever I had problems, I can always go to him because he knows. But I guess things are different now. Both of us had moved on and I now that I can’t always rely on him. But we still talked occasionally. He still uses the nickname he used to call me and I still do too. I am not posting this because I still can’t let go or I want to cost any troubles for him. Neither do I still miss him or want to go back to what we were, because I know that is impossible. I just want make this be the last thing about him and the last time I will talk about him. Starting from this, he is out of my life. The memories may remain but will always stay as only a memory. Goodbye.

*This will be the last time I will look at this song’s lyrics. And FYI, this is ‘our’ song. One which he sang to me to sleep.*

My Love

An empty street

An empty house

A hole inside my heart

I'm all alone and the rooms are getting smaller

I wonder how I wonder why

I wonder where they are

The days we had

The songs we sang together

And oh my love

I'm holding on forever

Reaching for a love

That seems so far

So I say a little prayer

And hope my dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

My love

I try to read, I go to work

I'm laughing with my friends

But I can't stop to keep myself from thinking

I wonder how

I wonder why

I wonder where they are

The days we had

The songs we sang together

And oh my love

I'm holding on forever

Reaching for a love

That seems so far

So I say a little prayer

And hope my dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

To hold you in my arms

To promise you my love

To tell you from my heart

You are all I'm thinking of

Reaching for a love

That seems so far

So I say a little prayer

And hope my dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

My love

Say a litter prayer

Dream will take me there

Where the skies are blue to see you

Once again my love

Overseas from coast to coast

Find a place I love the most

Where the fields are green

To see you once again

My love